Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever

I am participating in the Worst Movies Ever Blogfest.

Here is my list of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Now strictly speaking I like bad movies, but some are "so bad they are good" and others (this list) are "so bad and they are still bad". Generally I judge a bad movie by how much a headache it gives me.

Savannah Smiles (1982)
I don't know why I hate this movie, I just do.  Syrupy sweet, silly plot and dialog.  I saw it in the theater and was so bored I snuck out to play Space Invaders.  I guess the little girl in the movie later died of an overdose when she was 22.

Monster-a-Go Go (1965)
Not even MST3k could save this brainless movie.  Not only was it bad, the ending sucked and just pissed you off.

The Dunwich Horror (2009)
Pity poor H.P. Lovecraft.  Nearly every one of his stories put on the big screen sucked or was so far removed from the source material as to be unrecognizable.  This one is both.  Also pity poor Dean Stockwell as this was his second try at this movie and they both sucked.
This is LINO (Lovecraft in name only) and a made for Sci-Fi movie.  So the plot was weak and the story had the same names of thing Lovecraft talked about, but no where near what readers would recognize.

Gryphon (2007)
Sometimes a movie comes along that makes you reevaluate your devotion to fandom.  Gryphon is that film.  I love sowrds and sorcery movies, but this one is a chore to watch.  Bad CGI, no real plot and characters that I can't care about.   Yes it has Amber Benson in it and I am still a fan of hers, but even she called this movie "a paycheck".  I am also still fan of Sarah Douglas in this and even she couldn't save it for me.

Moscow Zero (2006)
I once had a roommate that claimed that if he ever saw Vincent Gallo on the street he would punch him in the face.  After this movie I am inclined to agree.  I watched this one a dare.  My father-in-law said it was the worst movie he ever saw and thought it would measure up to my regular fare.  It is pretty bad.  Not the worst mind you, but it is in my top 10 obviously.  Boring and most of it was in Russian.  In the end I hoped that it was the opening to Hell just so SOMETHING would happen.

Antichrist (2009)
Putting this movie on my list seems a bit like a cheat.  It's an indie film and sometimes indie films have to be judged on a different scale than other films.  Antichrist gets no fucking break from me though.  It is hard to actually sum up what I dislike more about this.  Is it the plot that seems to go nowhere? Is it the fact that I can't care even a little about these characters? Is it the implied long term child abuse and the fact that the mother let her child die? Is it that the big reveal at the end is "all women are evil!"? Hey if I am spoiling this for you, thank me, I wish some one had cared enough about me to tell me not to watch this. This movie is one of the few on this list that actually pisses me off.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Again this one might a cheat since it is so bad it is infamous.  Plus I get a certain kick out of this movie since my dad and I watched it to make fun of all the problems.  But really there are no two ways about this, this is a horrible movie and frankly I am sure stopped more than one family from celebrating Christmas in protest.

The Wicker Man (2006)
Not the creepy original, but the newer Nick Cage version.  This movie is so bad that I can't even begin to know where to start. Exactly how many women will Cage punch?  Hard to say, I have tried to get the memory of this one removed.
This is an example of the "tortured by his past" Nick Cage character, he only has so many he can do, so this is the same guy from "The Happening" (which also sucks, but not enough to make this list).

The Last Airbender (2010)
This might also be a cheat since it is so new and it is not bad so much as how much potential was waster.  The Nick cartoon Avatar The Last Airbender was by far one of the best American animation productions ever.  It had heart, comedy, plot and characters you got know and like and see grow.  The movie lacked all of that; traded for some tacked on crappy CGI and 3D.  Who can we blame for this?  Easy. M. Night Shyamalan. Also a study in wasted potential. "The Sixth Sense" was brilliant. "Signs" was...ok.  "The Girl in the Water" was a much worse movie than TLA, but I expected nothing from that movie and that is what I got it.  The Last Airbender had so far to fall and it managed to fall the entire way.  Fans of the series (like my wife and kids who got me into it) will understand when I say that the Ember Island Players would have done a better job here.

Alien: Resurrection (1997)
This movie is here because A.) it is bad, the script is just stupid, and B.) it shows how far a great series can fall.  Sure the later Superman movies of the 80s fell just as a bad, the stories were still Superman stories; that is they are stories you could have found in the comics (and they would have worked there).  A:R just sucks.   When I watched this movie it kept me from watching all the other Alien movies for years.  It even made me dislike Wynona Ryder, and have watched a steady stream of movies with her in the 90s so that was a feat.
This movie is just bad really and I feel bad for the actors having to be in it.

There are many more of course, but these are the ones most on my mind.

Edited to add: Seems the Linky script is broken.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The Wicker Man was awful. Forgot about the third alien film. At least MST3K had fun with Santa Clause Conquers the Martians.
Thanks for participating in the blogfest!

Budd said...

omg, that is why I don't like Wynona Ryder.

Sangu Mandanna said...

Yikes, the Last Airbender was terrible! I completely blanked that one out.

Unknown said...

last bender i mean airbender was awful... i turned it off in minutes.
i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!

Anonymous said...

We have Santa Claus rescues the Martians on the same list. Whicker Man was so bad I only watched about fifteen minutes of it.

S. L. Hennessy said...

I should have added Alien Resurrection. Epic blog fail on my part. But as for Wicker Man - agreed. Worst Nick Cage movie of all time. And this from the man that brought us Season of the Witch.

Golden Eagle said...

Only a few of these ring a bell; and the others sound pretty bad!

Lydia Kang said...

Those are some good bad movies. I actually tried NOT to see the last Airbender.

Jennifer Hillier said...

The only one I'v seen is The Wicker Man, which was terrible. Thanks for the warning about all the rest!

EconomicDisconnect said...

Good picks.

Jemi Fraser said...

I haven't seen any of those! I think I'm kinda glad... :)

baygirl32 said...

I have only heard of one - The Wicker Man - it was awful

Jennie Bailey said...

I LOVE Savannah Smiles. But it's so sweet, you could get a cavity. And The Last Airbender was terrible! I can't believe I forgot that one. I think it probably would have made the list over Lady in the Water.

Laila Knight said...

Hey there and happy to meet you. I wasn't sure what blog to visit, so now I know you're a fan of women in leather. Hmm, so is every other man. ;) I thought Santa Clause and the Martians was pretty silly.

Pat Hatt said...

Agree with the last three, rest I never heard off, guess that's probably why, just plain bad..haha

Tim Knight said...

I can't believe you'd diss Santa Claus Conquers The Martians - that was a favourite of mine when I was a wee lad (although that might have had something to do with a childhood crush on Pia Zadora!) and I find I can enjoy The Dunwich Horror by forgetting it's actually - supposedly - a Lovecraft story and treating it as a bit of disposable pulp ;)

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Only once have I seen a Lovecraft adaptation that was even close - The Resurrected - and it stated it was only inspired by Lovecraft. All the rest were awful. I'm a big Lovecraft fan and I'd love to see one hit the mark.