Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The Toll of Depression

I originally wrote this for my atheism blog, The Freedom of Nonbelief, but I think it is better suited here.

I usually don't post a lot of personal pictures here, but this one is important to me.


Me, my son Connor as a baby and his big brother Liam at age 4. They are 13 and 16 now.

Doesn't look like I am suffering from depression here at all, but I was.

This photo was taken sometime in February 2004.  I have to trust the date on the file because I have no recollection of it happening.   I didn't know it then, but I was still about 5-6 months before I started to get well.

Back in 2000 to 2001 I started to hit a downward spiral. I am not really sure what caused it but there were lot of factors that added to it.  By the end of 2001 I was in deep. So deep that I barely recall anything that happened between 2001 and 2005.   Which is really fucking sad to be honest.  My kids were born in 1999 and 2003, this should have been one of the happiest times in my life.

I was fortunate.  Really.  My wife was there for me every awful moment I put her through. Sleeping all day, up all night. Thankfully I never had suicidal thoughts. I never gave into drinking too much, in fact, I think the whole thing cut my drinking down to nothing.  I did get to write. That is plus.
But there were days that just disappeared from me. Hours, even days, lost in some haze that I to this day can't recall.

I used to think that I was immune to this sort of thing. Really.  I had a GREAT childhood. Parents that loved and supported me. Great friends. I always had a job. I may not have been rich but I could afford to feed myself and I had a place to sleep at night.  I knew the warning signs too.  I have degrees in Psychology. I did my Master's work while working a suicide hotline.  I did my Ph.D. work in one of the best cities in the country.  I really had it made.

Maybe that all made it worse. I felt like I was a sham. I didn't have the right to be so depressed. There were so many others out there that had it worse than me.    But that is part of the stigma.
In psychology, we call depression the "Common Cold" of psychological ailments because it is so common.  But what I had was more like full blown N1H1 flu.  I knew the signs and I was bowled over anyway.

The toll comes in from the damage that happens all around you.  I was taking really piss poor care of myself.  Despite trying to get out and exercise I still gained weight. My health in general sucked. Then there are the relationships.  I basically had two personality traits then; catatonic or angry.  Thank goodness my wife and kids are as stubborn as they are. I don't know if I would have stuck with me.

This video by +Wil Wheaton kinda sums up how things were for me too. The first two minutes really captures how the anger was.   I met him in 2009 or so. Had I known all of this we could have at least mentioned it to each other. How we both got out of it.



I didn't go see anyone. Maybe I should have. I might have gotten better sooner.

It's weird.  I have started, stopped and started this post at least a dozen times. I have had to update my kids' ages a couple of times since starting.

In the process of revising this post, this was posted to my feed. (and yet again more evidence of how many time I have started and restarted this).

It is Sex+ and atheist YouTuber and Vlogger +Laci Green.   I like Laci. I think she is great.  This video though doesn't make me happy.



It doesn't make me happy because I know all too well what she is saying.  I have been there.

In fact here is another one.
https://satyrosphilbrucato.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/stigma-disorders-and-shame/

And one more (see I told you I started this many times). +JaclynGlenn is another fave of mine and she makes a lot of great points.



Sometimes I feel like it is some kind of monster, waiting to draw me back in.  Minus a minor episode in 2007 things have been really good. But yet it is always there, lurking in the shadows.

What do I want to say about this?

I guess to say this is not uncommon.  People all over suffer from this.

The things I learned that I really wish I knew back then:
- It won't be forever.  I knew that, intellectually, but it was hard to process that then.
- Get help. I get shots for the flu, take Lipitor for all chili-cheese dogs I ate as a kid and getting help for this is no different.
- Get a support net. I was lucky.  My wife and kids kept me protected and safe. I never could have made it without them.

I am better now.
But I see the same behaviors I went through in others and I wanted to post this to let them know that they are not alone, they are not unique in their suffering and there is help and others out there.

We have the greatest communication tool ever invented (to date), lets use it to make things better.

(Note: just putting this link here in case I do put it up on my other blog.
http://theotherside.timsbrannan.com/2016/08/the-toll-of-depression.html)

RPGaDAY2016: Day 17

What fictional character would best fit in your group? Why?

Hmm. Too much like the last question really.

ALTERNATE QUESTION TIME!

If could relive your gaming years so far, what would you want to do more of?

I am pretty happy with the way things went in my gaming career.
Right now I am doing all the things I wanted to do then and then some more.

But I suppose that when growing up in the 80s I would have tried to play with more different groups.
I think part of that is really thought kind of a "the grass is greener" phenomena.  Not that those groups were in fact doing things better, just different.

My desire is to experience that difference as it was and appreciate it for what it was.
Which of course is the problem, I want to experience it as a kid, but appreciate it as an adult!

Best to just do the things I want now.

http://www.brigadecon.org/rpgaday2016/



Tuesday, August 16, 2016

RPGaDAY2016: Day 16

What historical character would you like in your group? For what game?

This is an odd question.  I like history and I like reading about it, but there isn't anyone from history I want at my gaming table really.

I have used plenty of historical people as characters in games though.

As a former psychologist I would love to have a game where Sigmund Freud makes a cameo appearance.  That would be a lot of fun.


http://www.brigadecon.org/rpgaday2016/



Monday, August 15, 2016

Monstrous Mondays: Stranger Things

If you play D&D or ever played it and read this blog chances are really good that you have already heard of (or have watched) Netflix's Stranger Things.

It is the biggest hit of the summer and made huge stars not just of the great young cast, but also D&D. In fact it is being credited with helping D&D sales.

Beyond all that it is just great story telling and a fantastic tale.

Plus it has a cool monster.

The Monster, called "Demogorgon" after our favorite two-headed demon prince, is a true monster.  It is hard to see, hunts and kills people and can smell blood anywhere.  I am not going to spoil it if you have not seen it, but sufice to say it is a great monster.

Great enough in fact for AD&D.  Here it is, with some artistic liberties taken.

The Monster
AKA: The Demogorgon
Frequency: Very Rare
No. Appearing: 1 (believed unique)
Size: Large 7" (L)
Armor Class: 5 [14]1
Movement
 Basic: 180' (60')
 Advanced: 18"/27"
 3e: 45ft
Hit Dice: 8d8+4 (40 hp)
% in Lair: 50% (hunting at night, hiding in the Border Ethereal)
Treasure Type: None
Attacks: 3 (claw/claw/bite)
Damage: 1d6+4/1d6+4/1d6
Special Attacks: Scream (as fear spell)
Special Defenses: Ethereal Projection; Immune to all gaze attacks, blindness; regeneration
Save As: Witch 102
Magic Resistance: none
Morale: 103
Alignment: Chaotic evil (animal)
Level/XP: 8/4,250 + 12/hp

STR: 19 INT: 10 WIS: 8 DEX: 16 CON: 20  CHA: 6

1 Descending and [Ascending] Armor classes are given.
2 This is used for Basic games, and S&W. Also for monsters that I think need to save a little differently than others.
3 Morale is "Basic" Morale and based on a 1-12 scale. Multiply by 1.6667 for 1-20 scale.

The Monster, known by locals as "the Demogorgon" is not a demon, or even related to demons.  It is a native of the Border Ethereal known as "the Upside-Down" and really not much more than an animal.  It is a rather terrifying animal with hunting abilities similar to that of a shark.  It has no eyes, it's entire head opens up to a large mouth, it can smell and even taste blood on the air like a snake or shark would.

The Monster is a nocturnal hunter, not because of fear of light, but it is when it has advantage over it's prey.  It seeks out it's prey, large warm blooded creatures, and drags it back to it's lair in the Border Ethereal.  There it can feed at it's leisure.

The Monster can heal itself at the rate of 2 hp per round.


Don't forget to include the hashtag #MonsterMonday on Twitter or #MonsterMonday on Google+ when you post your own monsters!

RPGaDAY2016: Day 15

What types or source of inspiration do you turn to most often for RPGs?

I have mentioned it before, and if you hang out here for any length of time it is obvious, but music and horror movies are my primary sources of inspiration for games.

Yes. I am a voracious reader and I devour fantasy, horror, history and psychology books to feed my game ideas.  But those ideas usually come from a place when I am listening to music or watching a horror movie.

Many of my games even have a "Soundtrack", often known only to me, but they do.
For my "The Dragon and the Phoenix" Buffy game I posted many of the songs here. The Dragon Slayers also had/have a soundtrack.

Ghosts of Albion was written on a steady of diet of Hammer Horror films and Black Sabbath.
The Witch was written with a playlist full of "witchy" songs, from the obligatory Stevie Nicks, to Garbage, Third Eye Blind, and Love Spit Love.

I pretty much lay my muses bare for all to see.

This is going to be a fun one to read from others!

http://www.brigadecon.org/rpgaday2016/



Sunday, August 14, 2016

RPGaDAY2016: Day 14

Who would be on your dream team of people you used to game with?

I don't know. I love the people I game with. I would not want to change it in any way.

I have had the chance over the years to play with some really great people.  I can't imagine that someone else out there would be so much better.


http://www.brigadecon.org/rpgaday2016/



Saturday, August 13, 2016

RPGaDAY2016: Day 13

What makes a successful campaign?

All the prep, research and planning in the world won't matter if the players are not invested in the world.

The thing that makes for the most successful game is investment and enjoyment by the players.
That is the only thing that matters.

http://www.brigadecon.org/rpgaday2016/