Friday, August 23, 2013

Sparlock The Warrior Wizard!

And now for something completely different.

It is no secret I am an atheist.  In truth I am pretty much an anti-theist.  So yeah I mostly play witches and paladins in my D&D games.

It should also then come as no surprise I find the following so damn funny and not for any of the reasons the group that produced it, The Jehovah Witness', wanted me too.  Yeah I know, Gary Gygax was a Jehovah Witness, but he was "disfellowshiped".  Not because of D&D but his hair was too long.  Or so says the internet.

Thanks for crushing the imagination of a child you douchebag.

Anyway read more here:
and of course why these people fear the internet,

Here he is, Sparlock the Warrior Wizard, ready for your Pathfinder game!

Male Human Fighter 5 Wizard 5
LG Medium Humanoid (human)
Init +2; Senses Perception +4


AC 10, touch 10, flat-footed 10
hp 74 (5d10+5d6+10)
Fort +7, Ref +2, Will +7 (+1 vs. fear); +2 trait bonus vs. illusion
Defensive Abilities bravery +1


Speed 20 ft.
Melee Heavy Shield Bash +9/+4 (1d4+2/x2) and
   Flame tongue (1/day) +10/+5 (1d8+3+1d6 fire/19-20/x2+1d10 fire)
Special Attacks weapon training abilities (light blades +1)
Wizard Spells Prepared (CL 5):
3 (2/day) Fireball (DC 17), Arcane Sight, Lightning Bolt (DC 17)
2 (3/day) Scare (DC 16), See Invisibility, Acid Arrow, Burning Gaze
1 (4/day) True Strike, Cause Fear (DC 15), Mage Armor, Charm Person (DC 15), Ill Omen
0 (at will) Detect Magic, Light, Arcane Mark, Flare (DC 14)


Str 15, Dex 11, Con 12, Int 18, Wis 14, Cha 13
Base Atk +7; CMB +9; CMD 19
Feats Alertness, Arcane Armor Training, Arcane Strike, Arcane Vendetta, Combat Casting, Combat Reflexes (1 AoO/round), Craft Magic Arms & Armor, Dazing Spell, Eschew Materials, Persistent Spell, Scribe Scroll
Traits Resilient, Skeptic
Skills Acrobatics +7 (+3 jump), Appraise +9, Bluff +7, Climb +9, Diplomacy +11, Escape Artist +2, Fly +1, Handle Animal +5, Heal +8, Intimidate +14, Perception +4, Ride +1, Sense Motive +5, Spellcraft +17, Stealth -3, Survival +10, Swim -1
Languages Celestial, Common, Daemonic, Elven, Gnome
SQ diviner's fortune +2 (7/day), forewarned +2, opposition schools (illusion, transmutation), specialized schools (divination)
Combat Gear Wand of call lightning; Other Gear Dwarven plate, Absorbing shield (1/two days), Flame tongue (1/day), 150 GP

Special Abilities

Arcane Armor Training Swift action: -10% arcane spell failure due to armor.
Arcane Strike As a swift action, add +1 damage, +1 per 5 caster levels and your weapons are treated as magic for the purpose of overcoming damage reduction.
Arcane Vendetta +2 bonus on damage vs. arcane spellcasters
Bravery +1 (Ex) +1 to Will save vs. Fear
Combat Casting +4 to Concentration checks to cast while on the defensive.
Combat Reflexes (1 AoO/round) Can make extra attacks of opportunity/rd, and even when flat-footed.
Dazing Spell You can cast a spell that dazes those injured by it (duration = spell's level in rounds, Fort negates).
Divination Diviners are masters of remote viewing, prophecies, and using magic to explore the world.
Diviner's Fortune +2 (7/day) (Sp) Creature touched gains +2 to attack rolls, skill checks, ability checks, and saving throws for 1r.
Eschew Materials Cast spells without materials, if component cost is 1 gp or less.
Forewarned +2 (Su) Always act in surprise round. Initiative bonus. Init = 20 at level 20.
Illusion You must spend 2 slots to cast spells from the Illusion school.
Persistent Spell Foes must succeed at 2 saves or suffer the spell's full effects.
Skeptic +2 save vs. illusion.
Transmutation You must spend 2 slots to cast spells from the Transmutation school.
Weapon Training (Blades, Light) +1 (Ex) +1 Attack, Damage, CMB, CMD with Light Blades


Anthony Simeone said...

Some messed up shit right there in that video, man. Gave me flashbacks from my own strict Baptist childhood, which included garbage just like this. There are so many ways this sort of thing is scary. Kids don't know something is evil unless we fuck their heads up with fear of evil. How about we just teach them to be good people and not to live in fear? God doesn't give a shit about what toys your kids play with, I am pretty sure about that.

Anthony Simeone said...

P.S. lest someone think i am naive, one must teach children to be cautious as well as good people, to prepare them for encounters with folks who may not be similarly trained... i. e. Someone indoctrinated into the shit in that video.

George said...

I bet Sparlock's hat is magical as well. Maybe a Cap of the Free Thinker to balance the lack of such in the cartoon?

Timothy S. Brannan said...

Na. It's just an awesome hat. ;)

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't you have statted this for Tunnels & Trolls?

It actually has Warrior-Wizard as a class.

Tedankhamen said...

The difference between them and us is we know our books are fantasy, we don't shove them down people's throats, and we get joy out of using them to open minds instead of close them. I debated putting some atheist stuff on my blog, and I am glad to see you set the precedent.

Game on!

Timothy S. Brannan said...

I actually have my own Atheism blog over at

MurkyMaster said...

Hoo wee!
So as a Methodist we believe in Satan and I'm told he's a bad dude But I'm also told he is smart, ambitionous, clever; you know, like a mastermind or something. Video's like this just seem to be an insult to the Judeo-Christian End Boss's intellegence, you know. Surely his infernal majesty has better plans to destory humanity than some commericallized fad toy.

Personally, I think he's doing a much better job manipulating religions across the world into doing his work, and they're the best subcontractors any demiurge could have.

My kids will play with all kinds of hyper-commercial detritus i'm sure, and I don't think anyone is goign to have beef with it, unless I step on it.

Great write up by the way. I might use him, and have him wanted by the church for selling books about hsi adventures to children across the realms (and trademarking his outfit).

Fuzzy Skinner said...

Sorry to be commenting on such an old post, but I wanted to point out that the action figure in the still looks almost EXACTLY like a modification of the Gundam model "Beargguy".

Not sure who got the idea to rip off an actual, fairly obscure toy for their child-brainwashing video, but when I saw that still picture I did a double-take.